‘More people mention us in their last words than any other store-brand cheesecake.’
Author Archives: Kristen
‘Imagine what would happen if you sharpened the chicken!’
‘I have words coming into my head, but they’re in Hebrew, so I don’t understand them.’
‘Feet are God’s pretzels.’
‘Keep your feet out of the tub… and keep reaching for the stars!’
‘A great sandwich on bad bread is like slurping fine wine from an empty watermellon shell.’
‘But God did layeth a smacketh down on the egyptians!’
‘Some people were just halfheartedly banging on tupperware…I could tell they weren’t really into it.’
‘I’d love to embrace you, but first I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.’
‘You’re the only one who understands me. Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.‘
‘but I wanna sell out to the man!’
‘Hey, I love you… don’t make me cut your brake line!’
‘I’m going to have a near-death experience if it KILLS me!’
‘Brain FOOD, brain CANCER, same difference’
‘Facts schmacts, facts can be used to prove anything that’s even REMOTELY true!’
‘Nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing cockroach!’